When I got to high school, I remember not really knowing how to be, but desperately wanting to be  respected and liked. My solution to this was to watch TV shows that had well-liked  characters, and to meticulously study those characters' mannerisms, styles, and personalities and then try to embody that myself. Everything I did - every hobby, interest, and personality trait - was subconsciously guided by the question: "what will other people think about this?"

The crazy part is that it worked!

It wasn't until my mid-twenties that I realized my hobbies, interests, and even my personality to some degree were not really my own, but an act that had worked so well it had even fooled me. I had created a 'character' that was well-liked, and I had friends. However, what's so obvious to me now is that when you build relationships in such a way, it will always feel like something is missing. Also, when your sole motivation for doing things is based on the approval of others, you will eventually burn out and lose interest, or struggle to push through when things get hard. This is why I never got really good at guitar! I wasn't trying to play for my own enjoyment. 

With the help of a therapist, I was able to put a name to this behavior - masking. I learned that this was a response to being told or intuiting at an early age that I was different and that this was not okay.  

 

I'd be lying if I said I didn't still mask sometimes, but I've slowly begun to figure out exactly who I am when I'm not existing for other people. Nothing else has had a bigger impact on my overall happiness and well-being.